Changes are taking place. I don't know that they are what I need or want. If I'm agreeing or just going along, but wherever it takes me, I'll make it through.
Anxiety has a rope around my neck. Some nights go by like they used to, and sometimes I lose hours of sleep or cry myself to sleep. I want to be alone, but I know I couldn't take care of myself. I push everyone around me away because I don't want them to care or to take the time to try to help me.
When I am given comfort, words of encouragement I either cry right there or feel like I should run away because it seems like everyone looks at me and knows my problems. Everyone seems to be on MY side, and that's not fair.
I have a small MP3 player that was given to me. I thought I had lost it months ago, and I was sad because it had all my Blue October on it.
Few weeks ago, it turned up again. Gave me a chance. I started listening to it. Added more music to it from a gifted flash drive. I always went back to Blue October. One day on the drive home, "X Amount of Words" was playing. Unbeknownst to me, there were two tracks in one. I discovered a song I had never heard before called "It's Just Me."
I listened to it and felt my heart rise into my throat. I felt sad but a strange peace. There was some truth in the lyrics. Something I wanted for myself.
I've never been so heartbroken in my life. I wounded myself trying to take it out of my chest, and when I couldn't control myself, I inserted a nail and hammered it through.
But I know I will see you again someday.
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Today, I spent 3 hours rearranging one of the two rooms I live in. I have separate art and computer desks now. I will be getting a pc desktop built hopefully by the next paycheck. I can play games and maybe run Zbrush and other heavy programs. I'll have to go back to CS3 for now since my CS5 is Mac only. I can't afford the subscription right now.
Everyday seems like it starts and ends with a question mark. The answers to the questions are only more questions. Maybe it's like the world has said all along- It's the journey that makes a life, not the result. Yet We all hope to leave an impression on those we leave behind.
-Meagan
RIP CASPEYPOO ==============================
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